When I first made my 50 by 50 bucket list, I pictured adventures—traveling to new places, trying new things, and stepping outside my comfort zone.

I didn’t realize some of the most important items would be investments in myself. This is one of those.

Back in January, I started working with a nutritionist through Nourish, and it has been one of the best decisions I’ve made this year. Even better? It’s completely covered by my insurance.

One of the things I love about Nourish is that I could choose a nutritionist who fit my goals. I specifically wanted a woman around my age who understood adult obesity. Enter Nancy.

Here’s the thing people don’t always know about me—I wasn’t an overweight kid. I was actually pretty thin. As a varsity swimmer, I spent hours in the pool every week, so I never really had to think much about what I ate.

Then college happened.

Swimming stopped.

Exercise wasn’t a priority anymore.

My eating habits stayed about the same, but my activity level didn’t.

And that’s when my 32-year struggle with weight began.

I’ve tried just about everything over the years—Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, MyFitnessPal, calorie counting, point counting…you name it.

Then COVID happened, and I reached the highest weight of my life.

About four years ago, I saw a picture of myself that stopped me in my tracks.

I remember thinking, “Is that really what I look like?”

That photo became my wake-up call.

Not because I wanted to be skinny.

Not because I wanted to look like I did in high school.

But because I wanted to feel better. I wanted to move better. I wanted to be healthy enough to keep saying yes to all the adventures still on my bucket list.

Thankfully, my high school friend MaryElizabeth connected me with Michele at Underground Trainers in New Jersey. Over the last five years, she’s helped me become something I hadn’t been in a long time—strong.

I’ve now lost 50 pounds.

My workouts are consistent.

Exercise isn’t the problem anymore.

Food is.

That’s where Nancy comes in.

I didn’t want another diet.

I didn’t want another app telling me how many points I had left.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life counting calories or eating prepackaged meals.

I just wanted to learn how not to eat like an asshole anymore.

(Yes…I said it.)

Nancy has helped me realize that I don’t have to be perfect every day. Instead of giving me another set of rules, she’s helped me build habits that actually fit my life. We’ve even spent time talking about how to fuel my body for the Camino de Santiago—what to eat before long walks, how to stay hydrated, and how to replenish electrolytes without overthinking every meal.

We started meeting weekly. Now we check in once a month, and that’s exactly how I hoped this would go. I’m learning to make those decisions for myself.

The biggest lesson, though, has nothing to do with food.

I’m never going to weigh what I did when I was 17.

And honestly…

That’s okay.

My body has carried me through nearly 50 years of life. It helped me become a teacher, carry and raise twins, survive heartbreak and grief, and it’s carrying me toward walking 120 km across Spain this fall.

It isn’t the same body I had in high school.

I’m learning to stop chasing the body I had at 17 and start appreciating the body I have today.

I still want to get healthier.

I still have goals.

But those goals are no longer driven by shame.

They’re driven by gratitude.

This bucket list item wasn’t about losing weight.

It was about learning skills I’ll use for the rest of my life.

It was about replacing decades of dieting with sustainable habits.

It was about nourishing my body instead of fighting it.

And maybe most importantly…

It was about finally believing that this body is worthy of kindness, care, and a little more grace.